Inspirational Is Not Perfection, It Is The Acceptance Of Your Imperfections.

Hello Everyone! Hope all is well. Its been a bit of a chaotic few weeks, we’ve had some family emergencies as well as everyone getting sick. I believe everything is starting to level out again, which gives me comfort. I cant stand when schedules get out of order, but that’s life isn’t it? The subject has recently been brought up on inspiration. I have to admit this blog was a little hard for me to write, I hope I don’t get judgement, negative feedback, or any sort of negativity. This is a very sad, and vulnerable point in my life, and part of the reason I’m sharing it is because of the inspiration that came as a result of this. Now don’t get me wrong I feel beyond blessed, and am so grateful to have the things that I have within my life, and I always have in the back of my mind struggling that there is someone else in the world who is going through more than me; and I wonder if i’m not appreciating or seeing the best in everything. However I have learned that just because my troubles may appear smaller to others doesn’t make it any less real or sad for me. I remember a time within my life where I became so depressed. I felt like a complete failure toward my family, I wouldn’t get up. We went through a pretty traumatic incident with my moms side of the family, that I believe played a big role in the depression I was experiencing. The depression all took place around 2013, where I was working for Harmons Grocery Store as an artisan baker. To which the hours were crazy I went in at 3am and would leave around noon, and holidays were even more crazy Christmas eve and Thanksgiving I wouldn’t get off until around 5pm. My husband was doing crazy hours as well he was working 13-16 hours a day and he didn’t get anytime off. So usually by the time we both got home we would be exhausted; to give you a picture of what was happening through my eyes, I saw my husband would work so hard and come home with an endless supply of energy. He has been ADHD his entire life and he always has the energy to keep going, which I was trying to do as well but of course would fall short. I would be so angry with myself that I felt so tired and cranky, my top priority were my little girls, and my husband. The only reason that I wanted to work the crazy shift was to make sure that I would be home early enough for all of them. To be able to grocery shop, spend time with them at the park, and have dinner made as well as the house clean for my husband by the time he got home. My husband always told me I was doing too much, but I felt like he worked so hard and growing up, I always saw my mom working she would always bust her ass and still come home and have the energy to be my mama, keep our house clean, take care of me and herself. She would always make me laugh, and have mommy daughter days with me. We would always make the best out of any situation. There was a night where I saw my mom get off of a double shift, come home and clean the house, do the dishes. She didn’t know it, but there were times when I would sneak out of bed and I saw anytime my mom would sit down she would start to fall asleep. There were times where she would just fall asleep on the couch, and then get up a couple of hours later and kiss me goodnight. She would also sing my favorite song, I cried with my eyes closed so she wouldn’t realize I was awake. I thought to myself, “my mama is going to work herself to death”. I remember wanting to be this strong for my girls, I would pray to God every night that “I hope when you make me a mama, that you will remember to make me out of steel too.” My mother eventually met my dad, who is one of the best people I know, He loved me like I was his own when he didn’t have to, he loved my mama, and made her seem less tired and more happy. I didn’t ever want him to leave, he married my mama, and they bought a house, where they would be for the next 25 years. My mom always worked, but only one job, which would have her work normal hours. She then got pregnant with my sister, and we were a big family, my dad would eventually adopt me and give me his last name. In the beginning my mom, felt like she had to have everything perfect for everyone, and I would like to believe that my dad helped her understand that she didn’t have to do all of that. That it was okay, to not be perfect, that they were a team and everything did not have to just fall on her. So my mom eventually backed away from the old school ways her mother taught her to be a wife, and a mother. There were moments like I previously stated ,when I was growing up where I saw my mom struggle, before she met my dad doing everything she could to provide for me, and always make sure that she could give me a roof over my head. I remember, when I was 5 my mom breaking for a moment when she went to her dad, who wasn’t a good man. He left them when my mom was 15, got married a couple of months later. Started a whole new family and never looked back, so my mother having to go to this man and have to ask for $20 for food for the week. Which as you can imagine, was extremely difficult to have to go to this man and ask for anything was a last result. My mother had taken us to the food bank and the food we did get was rotten, and or expired. She felt like she had no other option, so she asked and he gave it to her, he then told her that she better pay him back by the end of the week along she cant be running to him for money because she decided to get pregnant at 16. My mom didn’t show sadness, or hurt she just gave a small smile toward her dad said “thank you” and off we went to the car. She put the radio on, and drove up the hill away from the house we pulled into the back parking lot of a Circle K, and put her sweater to her face and put her head down. I asked her “are you okay mama?” to which she pulled her head back up wiped her face and said “of course mija, mama is okay, do you know why? Because mamas are made of steel, so mama will never break”.

My mom is my biggest inspiration in my life, all I want to do is make her proud, make my husband and my girls proud to call me a Mother and their Wife. So when I was going through my depression it came harder thinking about how my mother did it with no help, and did so with a smile on her face, never breaking; to look at my husband who keeps going and never gets tired. Led me to look at myself and feel like A failure, it got so deep for me that I had begun to convince myself that my family deserved better. That I was not worthy of them, I wasn’t staying strong like my mother did, I didn’t feel like I was “made out of steel”. I felt broken, and useless to my family; I never wanted my husband to see me falling apart but one day he came home earlier from work and my mom had my girls, so it was just me home and he came up to the room and saw me on the floor breaking down, shaking, just in a fetal position falling apart. He ran over to me, and held me; I couldn’t talk so he just held me until I calmed down. He kept asking “what happened? Babe, you are scaring me. Whats the matter? Now my husband knew I had been depressed and he had thought I was being honest about how deep my depression was. Like I said before, my husband was always working he would call and text me 8-10 times a day to make sure I was okay.He thought of taking a leave for a little bit, I had told him I was okay and that we needed him to work. My husband made a large portion of our income at the time, and because he was in door to door sales, which meant if he missed time then our income would drop lower. I had told my husband not to tell my mom I was sad, or anyone else, the last thing I wanted was for others to worry about me. It was embarrassing to me, and I remember that I felt ashamed that I wasn’t keeping it together for my husband and my girls.

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Once I was able to calm down, I told my husband everything I was feeling. He kept it together for me for the first little bit, and then I saw his eyes fill with worry, sadness, He begged me to talk to a doctor. Which I never wanted to do, I felt odd having to be on medication to be okay. He called my mom, who left my girls with my dad and rushed over. We all talked and talked for so long, about everything and I learned that my mom broke down multiple times throughout life. She explained that her pride to never break in front of me she regrets today. She explained that it gave off an unrealistic expectation of what a mother and wife is supposed to do, she went on to tell me the times where we break down doesn’t mean we failed, we pick ourselves up at the end of it and try again the next day. She wanted me to understand that even though I am a mother and wife, I’m still human. I teach my daughters that its okay to be sad, that its okay to have times where you don’t feel like yourself, and to always remember that those sad times in your life will not define who you are because you are special, there is no one else like you in the entire world. In the moment my mom told me about all of the times she had experienced sadness, related to a lot of the things I was feeling during those times as well. I have a husband who loves me and his daughters, I have little girls who look up to me and love me, I have a family who is there when I need them. My mother inspired me as a child to be the very best version of myself, and she inspired me as an adult to understand that being the best version of myself doesn’t mean perfection; but rather accepting all the imperfect things about myself that make me who I am, Learn from them, and fix the things I can. I don’t ever want my daughters to feel like they aren’t good enough when they have flaws. The inspiration my mother gave me as an adult, is one I hope to pass down to my daughters and they pass on to their children.

Thank you all, for reading my super long blog. I hope to have shown that the biggest way to inspire those around you is not through being perfect, but rather understanding your imperfections and having the knowledge, that the totally imperfect version of you is still beautiful and is what makes you who you are and it IS ENOUGH.

Don’t forget that you’re human. Its Okay to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out. Then refocus on where you’re headed. -Laurenyloves.co.uk